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284 Entries
Reflection for the Day  
6 hours ago

Comments:
JANUARY 20 Reflection for the Day

I understand that, when I allow myself to dwell on the problem, the problem will worsen. But when I dwell on the solution, the situation will improve. My problems with money today have much less significance when I focus on my recovery and continued abstinence rather than spending my time wishing I had no debts. My past grand illusions of debt-free wealth are today just that: illusions. My happiness today depends on my acceptance of the financial burdens I have created – and the plans I have to repay them in some reasonable fashion.

Do I understand that my patience in these matters is an important ingredient of my recovery?

Today I Pray
May I remember that my life took many turns for the worse – over a long period of time. My recovery will follow a similar process in reverse, taking many turns for the better – over a long period of time.

Today I Will Remember
My shortcomings are long only if I let them linger.


Hazelden Thought for the Day  
16 hours ago

Comments:

January 19th Hazelden Thought for the Day 

Owning Our Power 


There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.

How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.

Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.

In recovery, we're learning to identify when we're feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we're feeling victimized. We're learning to own our power, to take care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.

Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves - and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief such as: Other people make me feel.... Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny.... Or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place...

Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.

Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.

We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.

We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part - not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.

We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.

Today, I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized, I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.

 

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. 


Donna Email
20 hours ago

Last Day You Placed A Bet 7/14/15

Location Florida

Comments:
1/19/19 Saturday   Hi my name is Donna and I am a Compulsive Gambler in Recovery.  Checking in, the week was very hectic, so I went home and fell asleep at 8pm.  I often wonder where I had all that energy to stay up all night in front of a Video Poker Slot?  Just for today, I will remain Gamble Free, ODAAT.  Thanks to my Higher Power God.


Reflection for the Day 
Yesterday at 12:09am

Comments:

JANUARY 19 Reflection for the Day

It was far easier for me to accept my powerlessness over gambling than it was for me to accept the notion that some sort of Higher Power could accomplish what I had been unable to accomplish myself. Simply by seeking help and accepting the fellowship of others similarly afflicted, the craving left me. And I realized that, if I was doing what I was powerless alone to do, then surely I was doing so by some Power outside my own that was obviously greater.

Have I surrendered my life into the hands of God?

Today I Pray
May God erase in me the arrogant pride that keeps me from listening to Him. May my unhealthy dependence on gambling and my clinging dependence on those nearby be transformed into reliance on God. only in this kind of dependence/reliance on a Higher Power will I find my own transformation. 

Today I Will Remember
I am God-dependent.


Hazelden Thought for the Day 
01/18

Comments:

January 18th Hazelden Thought for the Day 

Gratitude 


Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. We're feeling great in the morning, but we're submerged in misery by nightfall.

Every day we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges. We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we can't see the lessons in these experiences.

One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It's called gratitude. We learn to say, thank you, for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don't like this experience, but thank you anyway.

Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.

Today, I will be grateful. I will start the process of turning today's pain into tomorrow's joy.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.


Donna Email
01/18

Last Day You Placed A Bet 7/14/15

Location Florida

Comments:
1/18/19  Friday  Hi my name is Donna and I am a Compulsive Gambler in Recovery.  Checking in, worked a double last night, and then tonight I have a Christian Women's Dinner to attend.   It's a far cry spending hours in front of a Video Poker Machine.  Just for today, I will remain Gamble Free, ODAAT, thanks to my Higher Power God.


JANUARY 18 Reflection for the 
01/18

Comments:

JANUARY 18 Reflection for the Day

If we are determined to stop gambling, there must be no reservations whatsoever, nor any lurking notion that our obsession will someday reverse itself. Our regeneration comes through the splendid paradox of the Twelve Steps: strength arises from complete defeat, and the loss of one’s old life is a condition for finding a new one.

Am I convinced that in powerlessness, power comes? Am I certain that, by releasing my life and will, I am released?

Today I Pray
May I know power through powerlessness, victory through surrender, triumph through defeat. May I learn to relinquish any trace of secret pride that I can “do it by myself.” Let my will be absorbed and steered by the omnipotent will of God.

Today I Will Remember
Let go and let God.


Hazelden Thought for the Day  
01/17

Comments:

January 17th Hazelden Thought for the Day 

Acting As If 


The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool. Acting as if is a way to practice the positive. It's a positive form of pretending. It's a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck. It's a tool we make a conscious decision to use.

Acting as if can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to be fine.

When a problem plagues us, acting as if can help us get unstuck. We act as if the problem will be or already is solved, so we can go on with our life.

Often, acting as if we are detached will set the stage for detachment to come in and take over.

There are many areas where acting as if - combined with our other recovery principles - will set the stage for the reality we desire. We can act as if we love ourselves, until we actually do begin to care for ourselves. We can act as if we have a right to say no, until we believe we do.

We don't pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We don't pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use acting as if as part of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with reality.

Acting as if is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low self-esteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest with ourselves. We open up to the positive possibilities of the future, instead of limiting the future by today's feelings and circumstances.

Acting as if helps us get past shaky ground and into solid territory.

God, show me the areas where acting as if could help set the stage for the reality I desire. Guide me as I use this powerful recovery tool to help create a better life and healthier relationships.

 

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved


Donna Email
01/17

Last Day You Placed A Bet 7/14/15

Location Florida

Comments:

1/17/19 Thursday  Hi my name is Donna and I am a Compulsive Gambler in Recovery.  Checking in.  Maintaining my Gamble Free lifestyle, and learning every day, all that I missed from burying my head in the Video Poker and Slot Machine.  I get up every morning Thanking God, he is my Higher Power, and has given me the strength to stay Gamble Free.  Today I will be Gamble Free, ODAAT.


Reflection for the Day  
01/16

Comments:
JANUARY 17 Reflection for the Day

I have been told over and over that I must constantly work to give up my old ideas. “That’s easy for you to say,” I’ve sometimes thought. All my life, I have been programmed, computer-style; specific inputs brought forth predictable responses. My mind still tends to react as a computer reacts, but I am learning to destroy the old tapes and literally reprogram myself.

Am I fully willing to abandon my old ideas? Am I being fearless and thorough on a daily basis?

Today I Pray
Help me to take inventory each day of my stock of new, healthy thoughts, throwing out the old ones as I happen upon them without regret or nostalgia. For I have outgrown those old ideas, which are as scuffed and run-over as an old pair of shoes. Now, in the light, I can see that they are filled with holes.

Today I Will Remember
The Program reprograms.


Hazelden Thought for the Day  
01/16

Comments:

January 16th Hazelden Thought for the Day

When you do something you are proud of, dwell on it a little, praise yourself for it.

—Mildred Newman

Each one of us is very good at something. Maybe it's baseball or tennis where we display talent. Maybe we're good in math or at giving reports. A few people are talented at being good listeners or helpful friends. To recognize our own talents we may need help from others. It's always so much easier to see our faults, or the ways we don't meet our own expectations.

But the fact is we are all skilled in many areas of our lives. To accept praise--better yet, to quietly give it to ourselves--is a sign of healthy growth.

What things have I done well lately?

 

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.


Donna Email
01/16

Last Day You Placed A Bet 7/14/15

Location Florida

Comments:
1/16/19  Wednesday  Hi my name is Donna and I am a Compulsive Gambler in Recovery.  Checking in still Gamble Free, working, coming home, reading, and discovering life without gambling.  Just for today I will remain Gamble Free, ODAAT. Thanks to my Higher Power God.


Reflection for the Day  
01/16

Comments:
JANUARY 16 Reflection for the Day

When we first came to Gamblers Anonymous, whether for ourselves or under pressure from others, some of us were all but sickened by the concept of “surrender.” To admit defeat flew in the face of our lifelong beliefs. Some of us thought of the immortal rallying cries of Churchill at Dunkirk, or of FDR following the attack on Pearl Harbor. And so we secretly vowed, at first, that the very idea of surrender was unthinkable.

Have I truly come to believe that only through utter defeat am I able to take the first step toward liberation and strength? Or do I still harbor reservations about the principle of “letting go and letting God”?

Today I Pray
May I really believe that the complete surrender of my whole being to a Higher Power is the way to serenity. For I can be whole only in Him who has the power to make me whole. May I do away with any feelings of wanting to “hold out” and never admit defeat. May I unlearn the old adage which tells me that I must “never give up” and realize that such pridefulness could keep me from recovery.

Today I Will Remember
From wholly His to whole.


Annette 
01/15

Last Day You Placed A Bet 1/7/2019

Location Montana

Comments:
Thank you Lord Jesus!  Oh my gosh, I made it another day of not gambling!  I don't remember getting sober being as difficult.  I had a difficult time last night.  After shopping, I wanted to go out and gamble.  I talked to God thanking Him for being with me, keeping me strong and having self control.  Before I knew it, the urge to gamble had dissipated, for now.  I'm just thankful for another day.  It has been seven days.  I will continue to take it one second at a time. 


Dave of Beckenham Email
01/15

Last Day You Placed A Bet 1992 Who can honestly believe that simple fact if I do not believe it myself.

Location Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Comments:

My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.

 

Just for today I will not gamble, my very first priority from day one.

 

Just for today I will not smoke, my next healthy growing boundary I set for caring respecting and loving myself.

 

Just for today I will not get drunk, my next healthy growing boundary I set for caring respecting and loving myself.

 

Just for today I will not hide in my obsessions, my next healthy growing boundary I set for caring respecting and loving myself.

 

Just for today I will not beat myself up or call myself unhealthy names, my next healthy growing boundary I set for caring respecting and loving myself.

 

Just for today I will compliment myself, I will reward myself in healthy ways, myself up or call myself unhealthy names, my next healthy growing reversal of being unhealthy, I set for caring respecting and loving myself.

 

Just for today I will be more productive, I will make sure I have a full healthy day in every department of my life, my next healthy growing reversal of being unhealthy, I set for more caring of myself more respecting of myself and loving of myself.

 

Just for today I will be less angry, I will be less angry, I will be less impatient and intolerant, I will be less I will be less resentful, I will be less jealous, I will be less unhealthy and healthier.

 

Just for today I will be more the person I want to be today, I will react less in unhealthy ways and instead interact with people in healthy ways.

 

Just for today I will measure twice and cut once.

 

Just for today I will engage my brain before using my mouth.

 

I understand that deep down I still have unhealthy reactions to the pains of my past I have not completely healed, my instant reactions to people the telephone calls the postman strangers coming to my front door and my instant reactions to people invites I am not ready to accept.

 

Just for today I will have more balance in my life, my needs list my wants list and my goals list, I will have my daily lists and cross things off once they are completed.

 

No matter if all is not completed, they are just carried over to the next day.

 

Just for today I will understand that healthy spiritual recovery is not a race, that healthy spiritual recovery is about slow baby steps towards healthy healing healthy growth healthy maturity and being my best friend to myself today.

 

Just for today I will understand that healthy spiritual recovery about moving from unhealthy reactions to healthy interactions.

 

Our spiritual values are about being healthy to myself and then healthy towards all other people.

 

Just for today I will embrace healthy interactions with all people, I will learn something from healthy people today, I will also learn something from unhealthy people today.

 

Just for today I will not transfer my pains I will not transfer my fears and I will not transfer my frustrations on to other people.

 

Just for today I will reduce my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I will accept it is not possible to change other people, so I will be as healthy as I can be in dealing with unhealthy people.

 

Just for today I will change my unhealthy ways in to healthy ways.

 

Just for today I will embrace change not fear it, I will embrace challenges, today I will be tested and be ready to face the world with all of its challenges every day.

 

Just for today I will move from unhealthy reactions to embrace healthy interactions.

 

Just for today I will strengthen my spiritual values, I will strengthen my conscience, I will listen my conscience and listen to and trust my instincts today.

 

Just for today I will be emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards gambling and gambling establishments.

 

Just for today I will be more open to being more productive in every avenue of my life, I will be more open to change in every avenue of my life, I will be more open to empathy for myself and my hurt inner child and for other people.

 

Just for today I will understand that doing the talk is not what is important, that doing the walk is what is important, if my words do not match my actions then I am a hypocrite to myself and other people.

 

If I am an unhealthy hypocrite, then I am not working my or the recovery program.

 

Just for today I will not justify my procrastinations and not growing, the old excuses I am to busy, I am waiting on some one else, I will decide later on, I forgot, it slipped my mind, why not commit myself after all I am the main beneficiary of my new found healthy experiences and my new found.

 

In listening to healthy advice and then act up on it why should I give credit only to other people, saying I would not be the person I am today if it were not for it him or her.

 

Is that in any way healthy, to not give our self any kind credit of compliment, why not validate our self, why not be nurturing and encouraging toward our self, after all who we were is not who we are today.

 

Is it that difficult to love our self, is it that difficult to respect our self, is it that difficult to reward our self in a healthy way on a daily basis?

 

Just for today I will healthy nurturing and encouraging towards my hurt inner child so that he can come out to play with like minded healthy people.

How much do I value myself today, What time and energy am I worth today. 

Love and peace to everyone.

 

Dave of Beckenham

 

AKA Dave L


tara 
01/15

Last Day You Placed A Bet 9/8

Location usa

Comments:
Something positive; yesterday I went on line and ordered something for my mom ( who lives a great distance away from me).  She is unable to get out to a mall and find the things she wants or needs.  She was delighted to find that I could order things for her.  tara


Hazelden Thought for the Day  
01/15

Comments:

January 15th Hazelden Thought for Today 

Standing Up for Ourselves 


We learn some behaviors have self-defeating consequences, while others have beneficial consequences. We learn we have choices.
  —Beyond Codependency

It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused. It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory.

"You have rights," we tell them. "And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt."

Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can't we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves?

There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves - when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us.

Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of fighting for our own rights and ourselves.

Sometimes, the lesson won't stop until we do.

Today, I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, God, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.

 

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. 


Donna Email
01/15

Last Day You Placed A Bet 7/14/15

Location Florida

Comments:
1/15/19 Tuesday  Hi my name is Donna and I am a Compulsive Gambler in Recovery.  Maintaining my Gamble Free lifestyle.  Yesterday was a busy work day, so no room for thoughts of Gambling, it's funny how I used to look at busy stressful days at work as a great excuse to escape and gamble.  Now, my escape is going home and relaxing.  Just for today, I will remain Gamble Free, ODAAT.  Thanking God for Guidance daily.


Dave of Beckenham Email
01/15

Last Day You Placed A Bet 1992 Who can honestly believe that simple fact if I do not believe it myself.

Location Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Comments:

My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.

 

There is often the reference to being normal, yet in time I found that people were not as healthy as we would like to think, hence when one takes recovery seriously we find that there are things that I would not do or say because I know that they are not spiritually healthy.

 

I am being humbled to the fact that no matter when my last bet was, I am an equal to all people in the recovery program, we are all just at different levels of our recovery, yet we are like minded in wanting to find peace serenity inner wisdom and a healthy way of living my life today with my family today.

 

My opinion is that idolizing anything or anyone is not healthy for me in any way, if we work our recovery in a healthy way, we do not view another person’s failing will be our failing.

 

Going back to an unhealthy habit only indicates that we have not found emotional resolve healing and not fully understand our emotional triggers.

 

Each time of people going back to addictions and obsessions indicates that they have more to learn than they think they did.


By attending the spiritual recovery program, I am not a religion person was a way of me admitting to myself that my addiction was very unhealthy, that as I continued in my addictions and obsessive ways, I was in a way disconnecting myself from having any chance of healthy relationships, as I got more and more unhealthy, I isolated myself from healthy relationships.

 

My unhealthy reactions in anger were due to my feelings of pain that were not healed, my unhealthy reactions in living in fear were due to pains of my past that were not resolved, my unhealthy reactions in my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations that did not go my way.

 

When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program, I am not a religion person it is strange that I did not feel responsible for my actions, when I was locked up at nights in a prison cell at night, I did not feel responsible for my actions.

 

By me building walls of fear I was protecting my hurt inner child, yet I was also stopping that inner from having healthy intimate relationships with other people.

  

For an emotionally vulnerable person to stop being the victim it was important for the to gain a voice and to speak out for them self, some vulnerable people will often leave an unhealthy family environment to find a secure dwelling place of their own where they can feel safe and secure once more, or  for the very first time in their whole life.

 

Before my recovery did I internalize other people pains fear and frustrations, cam an honest therapy help other people overcome their fears and learn to trust once more.

 

In to taking in to account how many years I suffered abuse of all kinds was I going to be able to open up completely about myself and my past.

 

Just because I say I am vulnerable emotionally will that aid or assist other people to open up, yet if you are lost for words, unable to articulate your deepest fears, even unable to say what pains you live in today.

 

I have experienced physical trauma to such a level I could not feel physical pain any more, the doctor who attended me told me that such physical trauma was a very dangerous condition to be in.

 

I was not able to respect myself hence I was unable to respect other people, can you respect your self if you hate yourself, I was unable to love myself so I was unable to love other people, I was unable to be patient and tolerant with myself, so I was unable to be patient and tolerant with other people even with my own family.

  

Today I understand that unhealthy angry people transfer their pains fears and their frustrations on to other people, unhealthy people can be very malicious towards other people, dumping on to them.

 

If people have certain beliefs and that they think that they can use aggression and confrontation to change other people’s thinking, how healthy is that, by using aggression and confrontation people learn to fear you.

 

Who is to decide what is healthy or unhealthy, that is a decision I needed to make for myself, decision making is so much easier when you do not live in fear, when you do not doubt yourself, when you no longer have to seconds guess yourself.

 

Made a decision was boundary setting, to move from unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, this was no achieved over night.

 

My biggest boundary was just for today only, I will not gamble, that seems literally impossible for me at one time, I felt so insecure and inadequate, I felt so lost and confused, I use to think that gambling controlled me, how crazy was that one.

 

My second biggest boundary was just for today only, I will not smoke, I use to think that by putting leaves in my mouth and setting light to them would reduce my stress and fear levels, that was a lie to myself, yet I was able to reduce my stress and fear by leaving the stressful environment and taking some deep breaths of fresh air out side.

 

My third biggest boundary was just for today only, I will have a voice based on peace and speak out for myself, I am not able to change other people that is accepted, yet I will make people aware that their words or actions are unhealthy to me.

  

I am a non-religious person, I am a healthy spiritual person, if I am able to achieve this level of recovery any one else can, the key was putting lots of time and energy working my recovery.

 

Meetings after meetings were very powerful, often with two or three people sharing can be very powerful.

 

One therapy session the therapies were very powerful, and I understood that group of people made a powerful impact on my recovery, the pains and fears came out and their life and mine would be different.

 

During my time in recovery people have questioned on several occasions if I am a counsellor, they find it very hard to believe that I have not had any formal training what so ever.

 

One time I was on a ferry going to Vancouver Island, I was with someone and there were couples who were talking pictures of the Islands, but they were taking pictures of each other, so I asked if I could take their picture for them, this I did with several people.

 

Then there was a couple of ladies, I asked to take their picture and they agreed, one of the ladies looked down on my jacket and saw my GA pin, she asked about GA and look interested, the lady asked me to close my eyes and put out my hand.

 

This was a weird request which I did and then the lady placed the 50th GA anniversary coin in my hand, this was weird because the 50th GA anniversary had been some considerable time before us meeting.

 

The young lady explained to me that she was supposed to have gone to anniversary but did not make it, and she had that coin in her bag for along time and was going to give to a certain person, at that instant she said it was me. It was meant to be, people in different locations, like minded healthy people with a purpose and though it was hard to believe even today it happened that way.

 

We both gave some thing of our self to a complete stranger, who were no longer strangers.

 

Do we all want to be burdened with regret guilt shame or remorse for the rest of our living life.

 

As we become healthier and healthier our pride grows and displaces the regret guilt shame or remorse we were burdened with, we are able to listen more and take notice of our own growing powerful conscience.

 

Each of us ask our self was there anything today that I did or said that I can improve on, was there anything today that I did or said that adversely affected another person, can I make amends with people I may have offended or hurt.

 

With making amends or apologizing it is not about who is right or wrong it is how ever all about what is healthy or unhealthy and repairing relationships with our self and repairing relationships with other people. To listen to our own conscience.

 

You will often hear people say that our unhealthy reacting to our feelings and emotions are just excuses to gamble, for me that is not so, our unhealthy reacting to our feelings and emotions were and are today unhealthy reactions not excuses.

 

If people are not willing to admit to their emotional triggers than they are not ready or willing to heal their hurt inner child.

 

How can it be possible for me to take so long to fully understand step one, that my life was emotionally unmanageable long before my addictions and obsessions.

 

That the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, that because of far too much trauma caused up on me caused me to live in far too many fears from a very early age.

 

Today I am less likely to bury and suppress my pains, I am less likely to live in fear today, I am less likely to feel frustrated.

 

How many times have I cried since my recovery, how many times have I laughed since my recovery, how many times have I loved or been loved since my recovery, how much healthier do I want to be and feel today.

 

On arriving in the spiritual yet I am not a religion person I did not know it was healthy for people to hug each other and be affectionate, I use to think that hugs sexual, that a hug was a connection of one’s own inner child with another person’s inner child. That a healthy hug is not a sexual thing.


Every action has consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences.

 

How much pride do I have in myself my actions and my words today?

 

Yesterday I was able to share a step four once more, again it made me aware of how far I am in to my recovery, the discussion brought up the subject of humility being humble and humiliation, and the connection of those words and what they mean to me today.

 

On walking in to the spiritual recovery program, I felt very and uncomfortable threatened by the wording God and religion, even today I am not a religion person, then the questions can I heal and become whole with out a religious based thinking.

 

Today I can sat that any one can heal the inner child without being religious or if they are agnostic atheist, it is not important for true spiritual growth towards more spiritual living, after all recovery is all down to our own actions and words, sadly no one can do our recovery for us, it was only by my commitment and us working as a team we grew together.

 

I see my recovery just like being mountain climbers tied with a rope, the rope makes us feel safe, yet it is us that is doing the climbing with others, they do not do the work for us, it is the knowledge and experience of other like minded people that help us help our self, not only come our fears but by our own actions we gain confidence knowledge mature and self-esteem in our self.

 

The spiritual recovery program helped me help myself, the spiritual recovery program did not stop me gamble, that was my choice, the spiritual recovery program did not make me stronger, that was going to be my choice.

 

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me to be emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards all forms of gambling, to no longer think that I loved gambling how absurd is that, to no longer have hatred towards gambling establishments, to no longer have any fears towards gambling establishments.

 

Today I am more self-sufficient, today I no longer come out in rage, today I do not fear the law I respect it, today I do not fear change I embrace it, today I do not fear being honest, I embrace being honest and encourage others to be honest with me.

 

Today I am able to be more productive, my life is in more balance, today I do not fear emotional intimacy, today I do not mistrust or fear a hand shake, today I do not mistrust or fear an affectionate hug.

 

How much have I grown today, how much can I give of myself today, how much empathy I have for other people indicates how much empathy I have for my hurt inner child today.

 

Once you have reached your lowest of lowest rock bottom then the only way to go is up.

 

It is difficult to even remember the last time I talked about money or lost money, the money in my addiction is done. Emotionally detached from it.
 

Money was not my problem, gambling was not my problem, I was the problem, how long was I going to learn that simple fact, how long would it take me to admit to myself that I was emotionally vulnerable.

 

I use to fear the postman, I use to fear the telephone ringing, I use to fear strangers at the front door, I use to fear going anywhere near the gambling establishments, I use to fear being myself, I use to fear my mother, my father, my step father, I even use to fear the opposite sex.

 

How long in recovery did it take for me understand that control issues were fear based, how long in recovery did it take for me to give my very first therapy and expose the pains that were with in me.

 

How long in time to explain and articulate my deepest of feelings and my deepest emotions, how long in time for me to talk about the emotional abuse, talk about the physical abuse, and the sexual abuse, how long in time for me to talk about my crying myself to sleep in a prison cell at night.

 

To move from painful trauma to full conscious awareness is very powerful, the leg twitching was trauma based, the tension in my draw was trauma based, the fear or emotional intimacy was trauma based.

 

The money I stole from my family and strangers was not which caused the most pains, the thing that hurt people was their trust was betrayed, their trust was not only lost with me but with other people in their future life.

 

The serenity prayer is not religious to me, if I am playing the victim is the serenity prayer saying I can not stop being the victim, any time I wanted to.

 

If people believe in what I do or say is their responsibility, the thing I know the truth. My family found it very hard to believe in me or trust me that was expected. I had betrayed their trust on countless occasions.

 

I do know that when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program GA back in 1969 in England, I did not have a clue what recovery was all about. Did I honestly think I could trust these people after all they were all admitted liars?

 

I do think that most recovery groups have a lot to learn to become healthy in their approach to people who are very vulnerable, that text alone was not enough that therapies was not enough on its own, that repeating same sad in action stories was not helpful in any way, being repeated time and time again, that every recovery group should embrace change to better help people understand grasp emotional vulnerability and the hurt inner child heal sooner.

 

Sadly, one will often see people of senior age being more and more angry, and not understanding their anger, this suppressed anger indicates that that persons hurt inner child was never healed.

 

It was a year before I got married. After four meetings I did not associate myself with those people, I was in denial and thought I knew better for myself.

 

The truth was I feared facing myself, I feared facing that hurt inner child, I still wanted to hide in my fears. To protect my hurt inner child.

 

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me understand that recovery means getting spiritually healthy, I am not a religion person, no matter what belief system I had or did not have to heal my hurt child would take time and some patience.

 

I was so unhealthy, I had given up all faith and hope in myself, I was not able to absorb information or able to listen to healthy advice.

 

Sadly, in every spiritual recovery program there will always be people who will try and control bully and manipulate other people, sadly those people only indicate how inept inadequate and insecure they are within them self.

 

Once you find healthy people in the spiritual recovery program, they will not put pressure on you, they will be very tolerant and patient with you, they will be nurturing and encouraging towards you taking up healthy habits, they will help you build up confidence faith and hope in yourself.

 

Only when a person has found healthy habits can they do step twelve demonstrate to you, how you can embrace your healthy habits and gain healthy habits more in to your life today.

 

The understanding of the serenity prayer for me meant that if I felt like a victim, I could not change people having an adverse effect on my recovery, then I understood that the serenity prayer wording meant even though I could not stop perpetrators or change those unhealthy people I could however speak up for myself from place of peace.

 

I did not have a choice but to become a victim from a very early age, then I felt that I could not speak up for myself in a healthy way, that people felt that I was emotionally vulnerable and hence everyone seemed to keep picking on me.

 

The funny thing is that people with negative attitudes were in fact victims at some who never healed and were dumping on to other people their pains fears and frustrations, the reason people dumped on me was the fact they saw them self in us.

 

 

I did karate for ten years, after that time I did inventory of myself, I was enjoying the fighting, I found it was my fear of emotional aggression and confrontation that I still feared, then the light bulb moment fears of emotional aggression and confrontation came from my parents hurting each other both physically and emotionally.

 

During the times my parents carried emotional aggression and confrontation they also had high walls of fears that they used to protect them self, sadly during this time of them fearing emotionally intimacy they were unable to be nurturing and affectionate towards me hence I missed out on nurturing and affection as a child.

 

Even though my parents were there physically they were not there for me with emotionally intimacy and nurturing.

 

Can a mother be a healthy mother if she lives in fear if she is living in fear 24 hours a day.

 

My non-religious spiritual growth took many years, 23 years to fully understand step one, the to come and believe in yourself, to make a conscious decision that you are setting a healthy boundary for yourself, and step four doing an in depth honest and more importantly fearless, to have the same healthy fearless mind of that innocent inner child use to have before pain and trauma caused me to live in my every day fears.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that I did not deserve to be treated so cruelly, the emotional sexual and physical abuse I had learned to behave and act like the victim. In some ways I had internalized it all. Maybe it was I was too small, wrong shape, wrong sex, why could not my parents make me feel affection wanted loved nurtured and protected? What was wrong with me?

 

The fact in time would become very clear they did not like respect or love them self. They could not fulfill their own wants and needs so they could not fulfill mine?

 

Mother once told me that in her life she never felt she had never been loved or felt loved. How sad is that? Was it the fact that people in the world were unloving people or the fact my mother was still filled with so much pain and fear she could not give of herself unconditionally?

 

How do you stop being the victim? I thought I needed to do karate for 2 years, but that fact was I was scared of aggressions and confrontation which was other people transference of their pain’s fears and frustrations on to me. Anger caused fear of aggressions and confrontation.

 

Weak inadequate insecure people feel they need to control other people. They live their life in fear. They control other people by putting other people down so as to make them self-feel good. Jealousy and envy are all part of a person feeling inadequate in them self. Those actions go against all spiritual values.

 

One of the healthy things in recovery is encouragement, with support people finds way of achieving new spiritual goals.

 

By the victim talking out for them self directly or indirectly helps them get away from living in fears. Fear is inhibiting. Stress is fear. Anxiety is fear based. Lies cause us to live in fears. Putting on a facade is an act of fear.

 

There is fear of failure, fear of acceptance and fear of abandonment, fear of ridicule, then fear of approval.

Then the fear of thinking we will repeat our past behaviours. That we will sabotage our own progress. Go back to jail and do not collect 200$.

 

Most places I travel to in the USA and Canada I try to attend meetings.

The physical pain the emotional pains the sexual pains and even the self-abuse I caused myself to have now all become my strength today. Once pain is resolved healed and nurtured you become aware that you can survive anything in your life now.

 

I used to think that I was a very weak insecure inadequate sexually confused weak willed lost soul, once I acknowledged my vulnerability, I was on my way to getting healthier and stronger in character.

 

Often you will hear people say I am only who I am today because of a religion or because of one person’s actions that are not quite true, once you take responsibility for your life the choice is yours only.

 

I would not have found recovery if not for Shirley my wife and GA but the work that followed was all up to me at the end of each day.

 

Each day I walk out of our home I was and am on my own, if I have not faced my demands, faced my fears, understand my emotional triggers and my vulnerability then I was destined to repeat my past history once more.

 

Text is not enough for me, books is not enough for me, parrot fashion jokes and quotes is not enough for me, and I both want and need people to demonstrate to me what true recovery is all about. Resolve healing and facing their family. People demonstrating a healthy boundary, people taking responsibility, people demonstrating honesty to me.

 

Today was both productive and busy, again doing things to help order in my life, I am a creature of habits, and I also need to be more careful with money these days.

 

It is very surprising how we got in to the unhealthy habit of burying pain up on pain and if asked we would tell people we were fine things are not that bad.

 

It is very strange that sound smell or taste can bring back feelings of over 50 years ago in a split second. Music does that to me I have the feeling yet cannot put my finger on it as to what time or when the event it was.

 

After over 48 years in and out of GA I still go because it works, not just about abstaining but about me becoming a more spiritual person each day.

     

With each day in my recovery we have many more healthy choices, do the walk or do the talk? Talk is cheap?

 

I fully enjoy full productive days in my recovery. Healthy actions have healthy consequences. In my addictions and obsessions, I abused my body my mind my soul and cheated myself and everyone a relationship with myself.

 

Recovery is a program which is there for me to help myself. Recovery program is also a healing and maturing process. If I choose to take that path?

 

Why is it that every healthy spiritual value is about our healthy interaction with other people and with my self?

 

I was that lonely scared child in the school yard not able to open up to anyone. I was filled with fear and no one was going to help me, sadly not even my parents. It is not the fact they would not help me they could not help me. They were ignorant of my needs and wants and were ignorant of their own needs and wants.

 

Confidence and pride comes with my doing healthy actions and taking responsibility for healthy actions in myself.

 

Goal setting at spiritual level is what recovery is all about. Talk is cheap, false promises are a waste of breath. Recovery is about progress in all spiritual ways.

 

I was never evil or bad and even people in the rooms who told me you have to do this or do that believed that by telling me what to do was the correct way of recovery.

 

Step one life is or was unmanageable is not just about money but how I reacted to life and situations. How vulnerable I felt in certain situations. The reason for me wanting to escape one way or another. What were my triggers?

 

Recovery did not work when I was doing it for other people. If I was doing recovery for anyone else, I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

Is it important why we gamble? That makes me laugh, I was told to read the book over and over again. Yet I still gambled and did every other unhealthy habit. When was step one going to sink in to my brain?

 

Life being unmanageable was long before the gambling drink etc. I tried to take my life as a teenager even then life seemed too painful. Did I know then what my wants and needs were? Not a chance in hell.

 

The physical pains healed very quickly, my right arm in the electric washing machine cloths wringer, the knife cut to my thumb, the sexual abuse to my body, and the beatings by everybody even by my patents. I have been caned, horse whipped, walking cane beaten, shot in the throat, beaten with shoes beaten with leather straps.

 

And all of this all happened before the attempted suicide and before my addiction. The obsessions addiction were just the symptoms, sadly did the people who abused not already see that I was traumatized emotionally?

 

The sad fact that excitement fear and anticipation caused adrenaline rush in me once that took hold, I did not want that rush to stop. Life seemed so boring without that rush.

 

 

Talk is cheap, courtesy costs me nothing, spiritual values enable me to be more considerate towards myself first of all then able to be more considerate towards other people. When was I going to learn to enjoy the journey?

 

Recovery is not just another obsession. Recovery is a tool which if used wisely will help me to embrace life and relationships, yet the progress is all up to me. At my pace and at my time.

 

When do you ask for help? When you want someone else to save you or when you want to save yourself? How deep do we need to go before we find the only way is up?

 

Why did it take decades before I would learn to listen? Why did it take me so long to learn that the date of my last is not what is important but who I am today and how healthy I am today that counts?

 

I feel very close to my family now. I am able to tell my family how much they mean to me and how much I love them. Healthy interactions are essential part of our recovery. Living in loneliness and fear is all part of the sickness and illness.

 

My family wanted me to give more of myself yet was not able to because I was filed with so much fear and mistrust. Then those late chats happened when Shirley and I talked till the early hours of the morning it was so refreshing honest and soul searching.

 

Over time the honesty in the therapies became a part of my family life. Such openness caused a reduction in the fear at home. My family use to find my mood swings made me appear like Jackal and hide. They feared me from minute to minute. Who wants to live walk on egg shells? That is no way to live your life.

 

I enjoy your honesty on this web site. Your honesty is our strength, when people apologize publicly it is very powerful and mature actions. Not only that but it builds bridges with other people relationships.

 

It took me a long time to learn that I lived in resentments and found it very difficult to learn to forgive, forgiving is a way of life for me now. Not blanking out at all.

 

When I react in unhealthy ways to other people, it is my responsibility, when I get angry, I only hurt myself, when I lie, I cause myself to life in fear, If I do not heal and nurture pain then it becomes resentments and vengeance and again, I only hurt myself.

 

There was one expression people used do not angry get even, how healthy is that? Is that in any way spiritual? Is that processing pain and letting go of the past in any healthy way what so ever?

 

I spent most of my life living in the past and it got me nowhere healthy. I was and am still a very slow learner, but I am willing to take the hard path today.

 

Recovery never was or is the easy option today; there will always be consequences to people’s actions. Unhealthy actions cause unhealthy consequences, healthy actions cause healthy consequences.

 

No actions at all from me today, often mean I am not working the recovery program. When I do things for other people, I am the benefactor of my own actions, giving of myself makes me feel good in myself. No hidden motives today.

 

Talk is cheap, am I a taker walker or a giver today? How much am I willing to give of myself today? How much of what I give is unconditional? Am I person pleasing? Am I expecting approval? Am I doing all things because I want to do them? Am I fulfilling both my wants and needs today?

 

Anger is due to pain fear or frustrations, am I processing all those feelings before I get angry? For me being angry is not a healthy feeling. Do I accept serenity prayer in my life fully today?

 

The serenity prayer is very much open to interpretation, if I am a victim do, I remain a victim, if my life today about luck or by chance, can I only be successful by people I know. Courage to change the things I can, do my healthy actions and my healthy words help other people.

 

Can I change myself from being angry, Can I change myself from being resentful? Can I change myself from being vengeful? Can I change myself from feeling guilty ashamed ignorant inept inadequate jealous impatient intolerant? Can I completely overcome my fears of emotional intimacy today?

 

Love and peace to everyone.

 

Dave of Beckenham

 

AKA Dave L


Reflection for the Day 
01/15

Comments:
JANUARY 15 Reflection for the Day

I must never forget who and what I am and where I come from. I have to remember the nature of my illness and what it was like before I came to Gamblers Anonymous. I’ll try to keep the memory green, yet not spend time dwelling morbidly on the past. I won’t be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to others, so others will give to me.

Can I ever afford to forget what it used to be like, even for one minute?

Today I Pray
May I never forget the painful days of my gambling addiction. May I never forget that the same misery awaits me if I should slip back into the old patterns. At the same time, may such backward glances serve only to bolster my own present strength and the strength of others like me. Please, God, do not let me dredge up these recollections in order to outdo my fellow members with my “war stories.” Like others who are compulsive gamblers, I must be wary of my desire to be center stage in the spotlight.

Today I Will Remember
I do more when I don’t “outdo.”
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